New start. It is never too late to start from scratch. speak for your self. take a firm and active role. have a new relationship. explore new resources. quit what you dont like. and resume it whenever you like.

 

speak for yourself. women of the eternal youth. show me your strength.

L.i.f.e. suckssssssssssssssssssss. Fight or flight or die. I am heavily bruiseddd. SHow some MERCY!!!!

 

kisses,

Sj

Yay. The Cold War is out of the way! French evaluation is done. Sweet. I kind of pity myself for throwing my entire life into all the random extracurricular activies and getting up at 6:30ish to study. Now I have the Islamic thing left. Cross my fingers. I should really talk more in class.

 

Give me enough coffee and I can do anything. :( The sad fact that I dont drink coffee implies that I cannot accompolish?

 

I think I am still kind of mad at C for slighting me. The hope that we will become bff is now shattered. You can bribe me into friendship again.

 

Crazy week. I am looking forward to some sleep.

Last Thursday I went through a complete rollercoaster trip: from very high expectation to very frustration to the point of devastation than to unrepressible indignation. C ditched me twice in a single day. I was basically yelling at him at the top of my lung the moment I saw this disloyal culprit. After all, anyone can see that he has changed so much during the past year after being a fucking dukesman. Never mind. I am not friend with you if I would compromise myself by working around your schedule and being your safety net and food supply. Anyway, now we are good again. It has been a while that this pent-up feeling brews within me and initially I blame myself for not being able to make things work out. But it was not me, but the person who can get away with any blame that flirt with people's good heart. I was mad and I could not being this silent lamb any more. I used to think someone was just too insensible and failed to catch the meaning and the good intention. In the end, I spoil an ungrateful bastard. Now I have to let you see that we are doing this not out of nothing, and you should not get so used to our affection and signs of goodwill that you cannot cope with how to live without, and you should never ever ever think we are supposed to do all this for you. Friendship, like anything else, is mutual. Seeing you, not seeing you, it is not that important. It is an accumulation of experience and an aggrevation of mutual feelings. But if I look back, I would be abhored to find out that in fact we are NOT that great friends. We have never spent any quality time any more since school starts. The routine is the report of weekly schedule. I remember like long time ago, someone said that I dont want you to think of me every single minute, but just dont forget about me. To look back, it is indeed a say of wit. I am not asking for a lot. I am just asking for a little space in your heart and mind. I dont mind where it is, a sunless corner should be fine with me. I love people who deserve my trust. I want to become a better person with the people who are better than I am and offer me sth positive in turn for the time I am willing to spend with them.

 

We are friends again. But who knows if he will slip back to his old way of being constantly forgetful and irresponsible? Emily said I had been too harsh. But I am sincerely hurt. I dont want the people that I care about the most become this unfeeling cold-blooded animal, turning a blind eye to the pain the others suffer. I love people so much that I have to tell you that it hurts when you are doing this, it ruins my feeling, and makes me lose faith in human integrity. I want people that this is the way it is supposed be, it should be, not just flirting around. Taking people seriously is not a virture; it is so natural, that we never have to address it because it just flows from the human nature. Never ever mistake the people who I cram my schedule with with the people whose hand I will trust my life and I am willing to give away anything that I have -- I care for these people so much that I can see myself growing into them and they are such an integral part of me as well. They have marked my being and made me feel I am steering my life in the right direction. That is how I define friend, friendship, and important people.

 

My suite (without Tenley) went apple-picking this Saturday. We made a scarecrow and named it Dean Salovey, with his hallmark moustache. We had apple cider, chocolate cookie and walnut maple fudge, apple pie. I look at the pictures we took, we are so happy and carefree, and in the sun, we are still young, not 20 yet, and everything looks so bright and wholesome, in the air I smell pumpkin and hay, sun falls on the wrinkle-free faces and we are so positive and upbeat. New England autumn is gorgeous.

 

The screw dance was awkward. I never encounter someone who comes to the dance for serious dating. That freaks me out. The people-watching, the unsincere smile and the clutching and grabbing were too MUCH. And I see the poking on the facebook the next day. This will be a good deterrence for me to use facebook in a while. :(

 

But Midterm is coming. Cross my fingers! People are dying, and work is unending...

 

Love,

Sj

Study for MIDTERM!!! But finally the paper is done, thanks for Olga who proofread it when she had a lab report due... I love her. Thanks the senior for bringing me the double-yolk mooncake and dropping by every time before going to the gym! Thanks Rocky for all those inconsistent wall posts and drunk dialing to the wierd Trolly Nite. Thanks Octi for kindly coming to all my calls. Thank Jenny My Gorgeous Lady for making me happy and scheduling to eat with me. Thanks Sabrina for doing a whole lot of WF work and the Master's Dessert goes well and I look forward to the Thursday lunch. Thanks Margie for being super sweet this semester and inviting me to the Harry Potter Party and bringing me food at the CASY cookout. Thanks everyone else for the support and the care and the friendliness. I cant feel even happier at the thought of this.

 

But seriously I have spent way too much time outside my reading and working. I should fix this. This semester I am overwhelmed with too many extracurricular activies. Insatiable appetite.

 

Back to study. Isnt there a Project Runaway tonight? I love Jenny. And kind of miss the people on the fourth floor. :D

Still by Ellvis Costello & The Brodsky Quartet is what I deem as the most beautiful thing on the face of earth right now. Beautiful. I just cannot get enough of it.

 

It has been a long week. Sorry for repeating myself. This is exactly how I feel since mid-September. Once set in motion, it is impossible to take a break and take a deep breath. You need to respond in a hasty manner, scrambling to get things done and racking brain out to meet the challenges. It might have been too stimulating, and tempting to ever imagine the life after this, when all the whirling craziness might cease at a sudden break and life plunge into the irredemptable monotony. We might fall! We might fall! A voice back in the brain was shrilling.

 

I finished the chem midterm, which made all the study seem like futile. In the French oral production I was basically stammering through the question of que'est-ce que Meursaul a fait le jour apres l'enterrement? I was betting on pretencieux only to find later that my instinct was exactly the right one. What a luck! I just wrapped up a pretty inconsistent argument on power politics and nuclear weapons - containment and realpolitik outlook - I just wonder how power-sensitive I personally am. I try to be standoffish in those struggle for position and fame and publicity. That is my philosophy. But in a sense, perhaps I have been too concerned about the judgment from the others that I intentionally play in the background.

 

What is left on my to-do list: the TD fellow thing, the Globalist writing, the upcoming Midterms (Cold War & Islamic Threat), ISS and IS and EP&E, research paper, meeting the Writing Tutor, Interntional Fair, Master's Dessert and Thursday lunch, MAYA thing with Josh... Indeed, I am sane, and moderately contented, and fairly stressed. But human beings demonstrated an incredible strength of flexibility under pressure. I just wish I was one of those motherfuckers.

 

C finally finshed his rush which is long, sloppy, and pretty ineffective since some impotrant taps were stolen by the Spizzwinks. C was eating with Jesse in the commons -- suspicious, suspicious. Anyway, I no longer visited N21 on a regular basis and hardly saw any previous VA11 crew. I indeed missed those folks. But I just cannot bring myself together to the "formidable" distance that seperate us. Besides, people are more and more occupied with their own affairs. I saw Octi outside SSS after his IR midterm. Poor Octi, blood-shot eyes! Europeans are way too appropriate and polite for me after being exposed to the vulgarity and vainness of the Americans. Wlad is the same. Too nice, too popular, too much a gentleman for girls, and too gay. Is Octi the next one?

 

I missed the random wall message and instant messages from Kim. I am embarking on a self-destructive boredom that will totally screw me up and render me no no no sense of accompolishment. My life is a waste if I have not done A, B, C. It seems that it is very incomplete. I have missed too much of the fun part so far out of practical concerns. Fun is vain. Fun is necessary. Fun is the making-you-feel-good opiate. What shall I do? I have too little time and too short a life. I want to lead a life bigger than the one I have now. By no means I am satisfactory with this way. But what is left open to me? I am incompetent and incapable of making all the changes all at once. I wish I could. But I cannot. I want to say, want to express freely the desire, to be self. You are still you. Nothing change much, really.

 

Excerpt of Lyrics from Still

 

to a marvel of this girl

covered in my coat

pulling up to your chin

i hold you until

the day begins

still

lying in the shadow

this flame will cast light

everything

from the past

you illuminate every love

each regret

up until the day we met

goodbye my dear

still

i was moving very fast

in one days

how you speak my name

i pause to raise my head

sometimes words tumble out

it can ecllipse my feelings

to my lip

i want to kiss you

the words that make you blush

you say

darling

hush hush

still

still