am i a loser? sometimes i ask this question. no, actually it pops in front of me from time to time. i know to look back, it wouldnt be worth a thing. but right now it just keeps me feeling low low low.

 

anyway, i am fine. i am strong no matter what. should be immune this the negative thoughts.

 

love,

sj

f***, so much work. i am tired of reading now. midterms will be one after the other in a week or so. cant wait (mocking.)

 

maybe i should work harder and stay late? or sleep more and try (theoretically) to become productive?

 

i should not kill myself at this point. but sooner or later it will come, and i will feel on edge all over again. sh*t sh*t sh*t. i hate this feeling.

 

with significant less extracurricular commitment, i can see there is an improvement in the quality of my life. though, not much, i guess...

 

i really need to complain about it. it is a biological and physiological need. who the fuck assigns so much stupid reading on health care and labor market? why for such a worthless class there are three coursepackets? why the paper is due in 2 weeks and the prof never touches upon the topic? and you, why never spell my name right in the panlist? and you, please, stop bouncing around in class and expecting us to read your inscrutable mind?

 

i am a survivor, and i complain -- hard.

每次一受到刺激就会想到这个近乎废弃的空间。所幸的是，虽然说的全部都是隐讳的废话，看客也稀稀，回头来看以前的entry，对于我这样一个没有写日记习惯的人来说，倒是记录一些我很少很少崭露的心情。无论对于空间，还是对人，我最不要的东西可能就是居高临下，或者无病呻吟。有些时候，我似乎也受到了写给别人看的诱惑，搏个猎奇的关注率。但是一想到我读到自己骄傲的文字，一定会觉得羞愧异常，最终一笑了之。

 

只是最近最为深刻的感受就是一句大大的俗话，吃得苦中苦，方为人上人。事实上，我并不喜欢这句话。我对那些刻意说“苦”的陈述都是持怀疑的态度。也许更加确切的还是那个，众里寻他千百度，那人却在灯火阑珊处。不言自明的智慧，我是很欣赏的。

 

这个星期的某几天，突然觉得焦躁异常，心中似乎有团什么疙瘩，得不到释怀，最后弄得坐立不安。鲜少有我如此不明缘由地不安，似乎是对自己一个旁敲侧击的否定，却又找不到痛处。好像病了很久，可是又没有急着求医问药的需求；好像睡眠很不足，可是已经不是天天日夜颠倒地绝望着；好像作业很多，离考试的距离又是那么的不近不远。所以一旦有一根筋松弛下来，又回到我痛恨的不痛不痒的生活。

 

我不喜欢感时伤怀，可是矛盾的是，我只能对过去发生的事情，忽略过程和细节，以结果来判断，作出一个相对客观的评价。在过程中挣扎的愤怒，不安，焦躁，绝望，像一些必经的过客，现在却不见踪影，也像一声遥远的呐喊，带来不了任何的震撼。唯一留下来的是一笔隐形的财富，叫沉淀。没有惊喜，一如范进中举一样，大喜之后有大悲，塞翁失马焉知非福。有一颗平常心，并不代表不思进取。

 

上个周末，看了The Devil Wears Prada,比较失望的片子，因为Hathaway丑小鸭变天鹅之后某些衣服的搭配很失败，发型也很傻。然后莫名其妙的地方数不甚数，主题肤浅至极还不搞笑（致命啊）。不过有一点倒是真的，在时尚界工作的人是玩命地追求品牌和外在投资。有一次，一个在Vogue工作的人说，“我不认识模特，也没有免费的衣服好拿，因为我是做coporate finance的；可是到了隔壁那幢大楼里的编辑部里面去，那里每个人都6英尺高，像有随身造型师跟在后面打理似的, 华发飘逸。。。如果你不对时尚走火入魔地痴迷，是不可能进入他们那个行业的。”

 

for some wierd reasons cannot edit this blog via firefox... bizarre bizarre. i have lost several entries.

 

today caught up with clay. it has been fairly long since our french class together. i miss how people got to know each other in a forced setting :D.

 

mave in full swing! i am now the hateful foreman, hahaha! hayeon, rocky, clay, harley, shawna, tae, lisa -- yup, i recruit relentlessly.

 

what is peer pressure? it is that the people around you are incredibly hardworking, over achieving, and impossibly nice. many a time i was forced into a no-choice situation where they were too much for me... maybe i am too much myself. but definitely taking a class with a person who finished all the reading and inquisitively asked about my "progress" was truly intimidating. i am no long enjoying the convenience of checking prob set next-door.

 

"every day is a struggle, between what i should say, and the words that i should keep to myself.. when the smoke clears inside my mind, i can hear that the screaming does not reap everything..."

 

hopefully my academic life should be more manageable this semester -- i have quitted so many extracurricular activities just to keep up with the epe+is requirement. the good side is that i probably have more time to "follow what your heart tells you, be american" as what colin told me to do, and appreciate how far i have come.

 

yesterday i collapsed when i was just assuming i need a small nap. jeez. that was probably good for me. night was not really that productive for me. maybe i should try to finish work in the morning and afternoon. :D

 

i am definitely more vocal now. and "opinionated." olga told me it is neutral -- even though i think it might be negative. my goal is to become logical and articulate, and finalement, eloquent and outspoken (but not like the obnoxious section girl with scallion pancake in class posing stupid questions to show off her knowledge of some mainstream newspaper)

 

reading reading reading reading. all the course packages piled in front of me, kind of daunting. but i was whipped to finish the reading for some class. one is a seminar, and i like it -- so i should read for that one. emily is in another class with me, which i dont know what is going on -- so the reading for this one as well. the paul kennedy class, more for his gs reputation and my aspiration of dictating the section discussion -- so the reading should be done in time. also french, i love madame marie boyce -- she is more human than anyone else that i know, and keep the workload minimum -- though i have an evaluation next week, on the incomprehensible (almost as Huis-Clos par Sartre) La Symphonie Pastorale. (btw, koizim is in her mid-50s, that was simply shocking -- she looks so much younger than that.)

 

"Opinion is like a hook -- you will speak out when you have enough knowledge to match them with your thought." -- thanks, ellen lust-okar. such a life-transforming class for me, seriously.

 

"when you are lonely, when your heart aches, when the night falls, when you are stumbling -- make it to the otherside, dont miss the diamonds along the way." broken wings learn to fly. walk with me in the diamond road. :)