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March, 2007 Deux Chansons FrancaisesSympathique -- Je ne veux pas travailler, je ne veux pas dejeurner, je veux seulement oublier, et puis je fume.
Si je devais mourrir demain --je t'aimerais.
March, 2007 喜新厌旧天气总算回暖了。今天上课来不及了，穿着拖鞋（注意：不是flip-flop!）就跑出去了，也没人管。写这段话的时候，想起初一的时候晚自修穿着很破的一双腊黄蜡黄的拖鞋，走路的时候有一笃一笃的声音，被卞老师说是脸朝黄土背朝天。现在已经没有这种硬塑料的鞋子了，很多地方都是一种软厚软厚的无跟拖鞋叫croc，上面有着一排排洞洞眼，奇丑无比 －－ 就这玩意还能登大雅之堂？写这段话的时候，又想起在我八九岁的时候，那时候地铁一号线刚开通，就在锦江乐园附近，所以我去徐家汇学琴的时候不用坐公车了。可是那个时候检票的地方有块牌子，上面几个大叉，说是穿拖鞋者不得入内，衣冠不整者不得入内，云云。似乎90年代坐地铁是件无比体面的事情，一定要盛装出席。有一回夏天下暴雨，我穿拖鞋被拦下来了。后来妈妈找来两根麻绳（附近是工地。。。），在我脚上五花大绑了几下，我们就在众目睽睽下踱进了这个几个不准的大门。如果我没有记错的话，那双被makeover的拖鞋，很有可能就是后来“脸朝黄土背朝天”的黄拖鞋。
天气一晴朗心情就大好。以前喜欢夏天下暴雨的时候窝在家里吃吃喝喝看看电视读读杂志，觉得这是世界上最美妙的事情，因为没有比这个更能够让我感到安全和惬意了。我记得我以前说过我最喜欢“温暖的感觉”，所以长久以来不信任羽绒服，那种轻飘飘的东西老让我觉得不塌实。被子一定要毛毯，冬衣一定要毛衣－－就是要那种被包裹的感官体验。碰到滑滑的面料天生有种防备，可能是直觉或者是天性，太滑，太顺，太轻薄的东西始终让我觉得不舒服。
有两年没穿过羊毛衫了。不是说我天天日光浴，阴冷的街道也并非每天艳阳高照。只是不再喜欢被闷被捂着，然后错以为是温暖。
很多都是错觉。饱的感觉。温暖的感觉。安全的感觉。奋斗的感觉。喜悦的感觉。迷茫的感觉。。。我不是苦行僧，没必要拒绝世俗。可是这些东西在脑海中，往往会占据着很大的空间，让我一下迷失在感观的亢奋中。人总是很self-conscious,在意别人怎么看待自己，自己怎么看待自己。无可厚非。无可厚非。可是除了嫉妒或者厌恶或者直系亲属关系下的牵挂或者热烈的爱慕或者猎奇，人很少真正在意别人在做什么想什么。然后自己对自己的体验停留在最感观的层次，我痛苦悲伤，我累我烦我要倾诉，我高兴得意我万众瞩目。。。so what?
已经离题十万八千里了。喜新厌旧？我已经不喜欢这个题目了。
March, 2007 grey's anatomy addict symptoni took the quiz today. it is actually the first time i took seriously a personality quiz.
"YOU'RE CALLIE:
You are very direct and sometimes that is a bit much for people to handle, but you just call it like you see it. Life's too short not to be lived to the fullest and if that scares some people, then who needs them? You'are an all-or-nothing person, so people who can't commit have no place in your life. You deserve someone who loves and lives just as hard as you do."
i sometimes do perceive myself in the same way. all-or-nothing. damn right. and i am also incorrigibly in love with dr. o'malley -- or affectionately known as, gerogie. though he is gay in real life.
just a sitcom. nothing more than that. doctors are not that hot in the clinic. and "scrub in" is not a catchword, after all. but what i expect from the show is a little bit humanity in the struggle for life, and a pinch of dignity to respect and love life. though it often portrays a picture of "seriously? i just made a horrible mistake. where is plan B?"
watched it in texas with jenny and her mom and friend emily. nothing more exiting than we were unconciously and progressively drawn to the world of seattle grace, the "Mc-y" fanclub. two thumbs up for the music. and the gorgeous birdview of the emerald city.
my fav characters: izzie (she bakes
 ) burke (he loves and works hard) danny (he smiles and dies too soon -- the most charming fatality) addison (she flirts) alex (he changes, from bad to worse... hott) georgie (he fumbles and has a good heart)ppl who annoys me: meredith (personifies misery and anorexia) cristina (tamin's incarnation in woman, simply cold-blooded -- but in progress, i guess, B for effort) mcdreamy (from mcsleazy, to mcworry, to mcscary -- that is the evolution) mcsteamy (manwhore, just sleep around... poor addison)
i went to shop for tons of granola and oatmeal today. i guess i am obsessed with bakershop granola and quaker oatmeal. i cannot get enough of it. i want to have a breakfast shop by the age of 30. probably because i dont know how to cook, and never did, and if i tried, probably it would be catastrophic... most successful attempt so far is to dip italian bread in ocatvio's spanish olive oil. so good.
something easy, tasty, and healthy. not to much troubling, nerve-wrecking, brain-racking moments. a good breakfast, and anything resembles an organized way to start anew and fresh, really bestow me a good mood for the day. look sophisticated, and keep it simple. i guess i should be happier, and more focused on how to return to a clean and cheery way of life. (omg, it sounds so much like chicken soup for the soul...)
bright and shine. bright and shine. March, 2007 傻丢丢今天是什么特殊的日子吗？3月9号。
没有。
过去两个星期内发生了些什么，没有发生什么，已经不重要了。在过去的时间里，我偶尔会很无奈地停下来，想象当这一切都结束的时候会是怎么样，是如释重负，还是空虚懊恼。这一切都像一个轮回。以前，今天，还是以后，我不停地想逃离现在，偷偷地窥探一下将来的情形。当然，最终还是埋头回到一个属于现在的impasse,但是至于以后回头看那些所谓的breakthrough的时候，是不是从这些死胡同中起死回生的呢？
似乎我已经预示到这是命。再灾难性的事情，痛苦会过去，新的痛苦会随时降临，所以保持一个麻木的神经比较重要。
最后一分钟顶风前行。讨厌这种狼狈不堪的时刻，讨厌万不得已打破好不容易坚持到现在的清规戒律：决不苟且而生，然后最后像傻瓜一样说，为什么当初这样，早知道，完全不值得。果不其然，最不愿意发生的事情总是再我最不堪的时候降至。
真是个傻瓜。那么多东西不值得。
决定好好打扫房间。音乐是随机的潘多拉，听到了久违的Elton John老里八早的Can You Feel the Love Tonight.没有什么特别的感触，只是很清晰地知道，这一瞬间的轻松源于很久很久以前，在空无一人的教室，向最后一个离开的人道别，看到一半翻起在桌子上的椅子，一半满地横飞的草稿纸和失去所有价值的卷子，我很自在地整理台板，理出那些书本，塞进一个大大的塑料带，然后向徐寅借了一盘狮子王的原声带，然后突然爱上这首歌，知道这个时候是我所钟爱的时刻。不喜欢期末，也不喜欢暑假，我只要这个分界的时刻能够永恒。
初一的时候是这样，
大二的时候还是这样。
怎么一点进步也没有呢？
我对人性糟糕的评价，还是没有见到任何起色。依然刻薄。喜欢往伤口上撒盐。欣赏天马行空或者不着边际的比喻。听节拍缓慢的80年代“劲”歌。为了每隔一天出现的燕麦早起。紧张的时候脑子抽筋一样转不动。在有阳光的桌子上读报纸。为了读明星周刊去运动。读到一篇好的专栏会很惊喜。没有艺术、体育、音乐天分并且盲目热爱自己没有的才华。重复听同一首歌直到要吐然后再也不碰。偶尔喝很多很多的水。然后干到嘴唇干裂。在不舒服的人面前装不来。
还是基本一样。稍微态度放松了一点。稍微平静了一点。大概就这些了。
凶恶起来还是一样邪恶。。。花痴的时候还是很多。。。傻里傻气的。。。
傻丢丢－－小学的词汇，形容词，已经每人用了。我还是很像傻丢丢的。 March, 2007 forgotten rottengod and forgotten
who shall i message right now
people who had a serious breakdown got enough attention and worry
and i got a facebook message
hate speech by ann coutler
chips and worms
hai-you.
blahblahblabblah
midterm week. still a paper to go
know what is exahustion, and betrayal
now and never March, 2007 booooooooooobooooooooooooooo.
jams were aweful. microphone did not work for a good 15 minutes. jokes were vulgar enough -- STD girls -- wtf? jake meyer basically butchered get set. babies were not impressive, pas du tout, including that killer jacob liberman. and drunk female groupies were greatly frowned upon by my friend jurist, who shot angry looks at that half-conscious and fucking loud bitch, "shhhhhhhhh." girls wearing bikini in the church. seniors drank an aggregate of saliva, toothpaste, and the previous guy's spit and gurgle -- grossest ever. and whats even worse than that, case made a scene of himself chased by the cops *in the mind's eye* naked. oh lord, good times.
the message that i sent out got no response. the food that i garnered elicited no thanks and gratitude. support that i have been so generous about sees no returns. unrequitted love *sobs*.
maybe, just relax. and listen to
kt kundell
"suddenly i see" |
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