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    June, 2006

    真的,我无话可说。

    留有一个隐秘的空间,能够得到的不只只是满足了畅所欲言,有人响应,或者在心理上得到看到别人因为距离产生艳羡的变态满足感。但是真的写着写着,又变成了虚假的东西。不写,又是懒散的表现。
     
    最近在看的书,marie claire,the unbearable lightness of being, the middlesex... 最近最常见到的人,stephanie, linda, evelyn, (alex, kelly), my colleagues...然后这些人和事就构成了我的一个暑假。大概我来旅游都不会去做,不会去看,不会去想的事情,短短的几个星期内就全部做掉了。更多的是,我没有这个地位和能力去做这些事情。现在我们还是如此的卑微,却得到了如此的礼待,很多人都处之泰然,可我们简直就是生在福中不知福,换了别人,早就受宠若惊地幸福地晕厥了。we do not deserve all these.
     
    在北京的那帮人看了一场演唱会就已经乐得屁颠屁颠了。是真的地方不同?还是我们实在幸运?
     
    Yup的无心之语(但愿!)让人气愤。在这里没有什么人可以看不起谁。谁也不知道。但是等着。等着。等着。他自己也说,i will be back in 30 years. 然后有人谄媚地向你握手?然后再整个大台上指点方遒?然后施舍恩德和智慧?
     
    无话可说。
    June, 2006

    这里没有怀念的主题

    我的室友病了,挺健康活泼的小女孩一下子就什么话也说不出来了,直挺挺地躺在床上,吃什么就吐,折磨了整整几天.然后她一脸悲切地对我说,不能再去乱吃东西了.可是,她是吃美国的某快餐才恶心的呀.于是我们的美食之旅也似乎到了尽头,不能再肆无忌惮地吃甜品了.
     
    我决定要好好学习,天天向上.这真是句至理名言.几个人能够做到这一点?我的理解是,就是往前看,向上走.就像我们那天去爬山一样,坡几乎都是向上垂直的,可是不能停下来,再累都得一口气地爬到云顶,然后那时再看一路上都看过的风景,觉得幸亏没有在那些地方浪费时间.毕竟是低坡的地方,就算是看一样的建筑,一样的海湾,一样的灌木林,感觉自己离地面太近.而真正在山顶的时候,觉得离自己很近,可以感觉到心脏和脉搏都在有力地舒张着,风干的衣服凉凉地贴在后背上,头发也被风吹得东倒西歪,脚趾被鞋子磨破了,于是趾头涨张的.然后就不那么依恋大地,给自己那些悻悻的后路:还可以打退堂鼓,还可也原路返回.然后回程的时候轻松无比,一路小跑,像飞一样,从高出滑翔回到自己的起点.那个时候,没有怀念,只有幸福.
     
    昨天看了一场意大利电影.稀里糊涂的剧情,不知所云的人物对白,总之是一塌糊涂的东西.然后一同去的女孩,学意大利语的,开始心潮澎湃地跟我讲她如何把她对剧情的理解和她生活中的事情联系起来.然后她开始问我的感受,我觉得我像个傻瓜一样的.我能有什么感受?烂呗.可是我只能东拉西扯地胡诹.然后她很不满意我的答案,因为我不会做影视评论.毕竟人家是艺术系的,像我这个伪影迷当然是原形毕露的拉.然后俩人找了个路边的小馆子落脚,吃那种送豆浆的盒饭.然后她问我:为什么你总是对生活保持着这么大的热情?我一口饭就咽不下去了.不会吧...我记得很早以前我对她说过,我和人在一起凭直觉.如果我喜欢你,是因为你是个性格很好的人或者让我觉得非常正面的与众不同的人. 她不停地问,为什么?我说...她说,你没有回答我的问题.我一滴汗,又开始乱讲... 她说,你还是没有回答我的问题. 然后我手一摊,说我不知道.她说,哦,没有关系.其实我真的不知道.我也不觉得我对生活有什么独到深奥的看法和观点.但是我知道,要快乐地生活,凭着本能和直觉, 为了没有痛苦地生活,为了能够更好地生活.如果我真的快乐的话,我永远都不会觉得苦,不觉得累,不觉得委屈,不觉得贫穷,不觉得贫乏.我不会可可怜怜地等着别人来告诉我我很重要,他们需要我,然后让我庆幸我的存在,用他们的需求来反证我的存在.这席话,虽然没有讲出来,但是我知道又要被她骂没有逻辑可言,偏题偏得离谱,和那个电影一样不知所云.可是虽然我们如此的不同,但是回来的时候,那个和蔼可亲的卖老婆饼的人和那个给我们开门的好心司机,让她开心了好长一段时间,说话的时候都是抑制不住的笑意.是啊,那些可爱的人们,谁说我非得说出个甲乙丙丁子丑寅卯呢,不就是一瞬间的事情吗,非要说得清楚干嘛.再说,我何能何德,我怎么说得明白呢?
     
    总算淘到了一直想看的两部法语片子,虽然又被朋友骂说愚蠢的商业片子,可是,不由自主地粘在电脑前面,觉得画面很美,音乐很流畅,一下子心中又充满了满足和希望.哎呀,甘愿做一个容易热泪盈眶的傻子,不是也挺好的么. 
     
    明天我要买一本漂亮的笔记本.一支写得很上手的笔.然后,写点粤语,写点法语,写点英文,写点中文,画点什么都不是的涂鸦,然后说自己的语言.
     
    不要让别人成为自己的牵绊. -- live in today, rock tomorrow; no yesterday, thanks.
     
    June, 2006

    我现在在想,对我这样的人来说,一辈子做过最疯狂的事情是什么?好象还没有.很多人比我疯狂,无论国内国外都会有很多,在这方面来说,无论从任何意义角度来说,我大概属于那种天生弱智型的人了.但是,及时行乐,我深表赞同.行乐现在是我很大的动力,我总算知道了,我不要高深莫测的人,不要故弄玄虚的人,不要才高八斗的人,不要文艺青年,不要愤青,不要摇滚人.我要能完会玩能吃会吃精神充沛能侃会侃冲锋陷阵甲状腺亢奋异常的人 -- 遇见了几个,原来会传染.
     
    这个星期并不是乏善可陈,可是弄丢了我的八达通卡,哀悼章鱼中.
     
    然后在女人街看到一个道歉项链,我和朋友大笑,互相指责有人欠我.一路看到廉价的东西大呼小叫,砍价前她要装模作样地嘀咕两句中文,去本地人推荐的馆子,到处找集贸市场买一种柚子,爬到港大的山顶看风景,在兰桂坊里混迹于身份年龄不详的俱乐部夜游神中,跑最偏僻的街,在最贵的街吃最便宜的门店,乱坐公交车体会都市放逐的乐趣,讲办公室和学校的各种八卦,一时灵激会有惊人旷世之妙语.于是一个星期内,茅塞顿开了数十回.
     
    人和人之间,就是简单的关系.复杂了就不好完了.
     
    狠狠玩.狠狠工作.舍不得孩子套不住狼.
     
    学习和视野是偶然得来的.
     
    我爱亚洲.
    June, 2006

    我的学习

    我要去旅行。不是旅游,而是真正的旅行。是的,我不要再等别人告诉我说,我准备好了,我们上路了。没有人等。也不等什么人。是的,我就看到了这样一个女子,一个人穿梭在亚洲的大街小巷。我有地图,可以行走,吃东西不挑食。想到了,就马上去做吧。
     
    那天说到我的心坎里去了。后悔总是当初的犹豫不定,优柔寡断,不切实际的希翼。真的,为什么总是让别人来替我做主,告诉我是时候了,我们走吧。听自己的,何必看别人脸色?
     
    然后就是快乐地勇敢地走。一路上风景很好。我不是来一个人孤孤单单让你可怜的。我来到这里,不是自寻烦恼,自甘寂寞。风情自有不期而至的时候。
     
    聪明。我遇见过许多。不过这回真的不重要了。我来找的不是一个光看风景的人。我不是来看风景的。我也不要所谓的同道中人。一程又一程,成为乐趣,不是累赘。
     
    look good, feel good - beauty.
    June, 2006

    Day 1 & 2

    So my dear mum & dad, Hong Kong is so cool. I arrived on June 3rd due to the visa problem (restrictions on mainlanders) and went thru the Custom in Luohu, Shen Zhen. It was hott there and I could barely sleep at night. Too hard to intake oxygen when the air pressure was so low. Hong Kong was no better, in terms of weather. I live in the Graduate Hall in Hong Kong University. Jeez, on the top of a mountain. Everytime I look up I have the impression that our buildings touch the clouds. I arrived at 12ish around noon and followed the flow to Central. We went in and out of the cif towers, the buildings on every postcard you see of HK. We got food at Pret a Manger. To me, just a variant of au bon pain, with small sandwiches. We were expelled from the balcony, from the window seats, from the benches -- everywhere while eating. "The suits are coming..." Some people among us, Seth, a new Yale graduate, are obsessive with fashion and clothing. I had great lectures on men's suit when we windowshopped (actually went inside with no one coming to us) in Armani, Zara, Zegna, etc. He was like, look at the button wholes, feel the pocket flat not bulging, wow the details (a round pocket corner), slanting stitches are in, cuttings like the 80s, the cuff and wool percentage ("I wont settle for anything below 150. I will ask my tailor to make 220 at a price of 120..."), the width and stuffing (transition) of the collar (pop the collar :D), random tailors in Kowloon ("lose money make friends") and craftsmanship. In the end I had enough of his fashion addiction. I puchased an Octupus (brilliant name for transportation) Card at 7-11 and took the metro and double-decker home. I checked in my room one day earlier so I had to pay extra. Actually it is really nice. I mean you have people change your sheets, sweep your floor, clean the bathroom, fill the waterbottle, and a kitchen with microwave and refrigerator. I have a great view from the window. HKU is a bit like Hawaii (what Seth compares to), with all these jungles, waterfalls, and tropical plants, wall paintings, winding roads. Except that we have to climb all the way up along an almost vertical slope to get to the bus station. Too much exercise. I dont need to go the gym for a while. I was desperate to find that elevator which sends us 9 floors down to the foot of the mountain. Otherwise I would die to commute on these mountain roads. Traffic is crazy as well. I sat on the upper level and am totally blown away by how dangerously and carelessly (seemingly) the drivers conduct the huge vehicle. When it stops at the station, it is barely one finger from the bus ahead. When it turns, I have to cover my eyes coz it almost hits people or crash into buildings. Trees brush the windscreens. So you can imagine how narrow the streets are and how scary it is. So I share the bathroom with a rising senior. She is the coolest girl I have ever seen. She has those crazy adventures in Bangkok, incredible life stories, grand traveling plans and 100 missions in 1000 days, and a very good sense of direction. We did a lot of stuff together. We met people at Lang Kuai Fong, the pub/ party/ happy area. Ironically, we find our way by noticing the KFC sign. It is very expensive there, anyhow, with the 10% service charge. The waiters are demanding us all the time, "Order this, PLEASE!" Linda and I took the metro to meet Pam at the Langham Plaza, Mongkok. This is a new sight, bright, glassy, with millions of people. Pam had a haircut but she does not change much. We were complaining about the crazy Asian sizes ("one size for all in Bankok", says Linda. "No, you cannot fit the size small, girl," says Pam. "All the shocking feedback and mortification I get at home," I say) and walking skeletons and our tanned skin color. However, we ate at Xu Liu Shan and had the fruit dessert plate. Who cares??? We shopped at the Lady's Street and looked for the white not-fake-looking Converse for Pam. I was not good at bargaining so I cut the price by 5 dollars. Anyway, fun night. We took the metro back past midnight. But the bus station was all closed. We had to take a taxi which stopped at an unrecognizable gate. Too bad coz we climbed all the way to our residence (all those stairs...) And this afternoon Linda and I took 970X to Kowloon. She was meeting some random manipulative Asian couples to whom she was supposed to deliver bottles of vitamin. I was just making sure I knew where I would work. Bus - (metro) - exit A - Jordan - Ferry Street. Kowloon is different from Central as it is more local and closer to the 'real' HK in my mind. I got to my working place and Linda met the mean Asian couples with fake smile and fake concerns. The reception started at 6 pm, kicked off by an awkward cocktail hour. The Yale Alley Cats sang for us and lots of alum came also. One lady brought her aspiring-designer-to-be daugther to my table as well. Some rich Korean parents also showed up and gave out name cards to Korean kids. Food is a so-so three course meal. The citi and sino group people will start their assignment tomorrow and it sounds too daunting: sensitivity of the oil price, some Asian country analysis... Saturday morning is also woking hours! But nice pay-off. Oh, money is never a bad thing. I-banking is appealing only in this way. I will see if I can get up at 6am in the morning to go jogging with the other guys to the peak. Seth is nuts, he pictures running to central, his working place and getting back. He is so desperate for good shape, for what, bloomberg sales people are more fit and good-looking than anyone else? Love you, Sj