It is such a long week. So long that I finish it without realizing how I make it. UOFC sucks, and so sketchy.

 

Anyway, let me say that again -- it is extremely long. The STAR meeting was also overwhelming. How can it ever be this ambitious? The national rally, chapter visit, CASY event, video filming, application process... omg, how I get involved in the first place?! Then I met Tomek in JE common room, for the Triple Helix, which still hasnt started at Yale yet. Now I become the External Finance Chair, which entails a lot of paperwork and grant application. But at least I know Taku, who lives in the same courtyard. Almost all board members so far are seniors and juniors, such a sunset business. No wonder Tomek has to write to me to take this position. I feel this semester I have already overcommited myself. Tomorrow I will pick up the badge from Jeanne in the registration tent and work from 5:15 to 7 something. Then have brunch with Sabrina for the World Fellow poster. Then finish my proposal for the Chinese Diaspora for the Globalist. And possibly some other random stuff got done as well.

 

I havent paid UCS check yet. havent got my camera back from Joohyun. havent scheduled weekly diner with Octi. havent planned out events for MAYA. havent finished my paper, or even started. havnt done the reading so far. havent figured out the major application. havent spent a quality amount of time with my favorite people. havent studied enough to make me feel secure. havent worked out on a regular basis! havent written to my parents for a long time. havent brought back Margie's packet. havent bought the book for the seminar yet. havent studied for the chem midterm and french evaluation yet. ...

 

And I have already overcommitted!!! JEEZ!!!

I pulled an all nighter on Sunday until like 6 in the morning, got 2 hours of sleep and then went to class. I submitted the application for UOFC and yesterday signed up for a time slot for interview. It will be this afternoon. Donno how it goes. We will see.

 

Too much chemistry, that makes me sick. A paper research. A French evaluation. A proposal for the Globalist. An application for TD fellow. I am a coward. All of a sudden I dont know what I am oriented towards. The gravity disappears in a second and left me floating in midair.

 

Today there will be a lot of study, a lot of running around, a lot exitement and fatigue, and a lot of fun and uneasiness.

 

Tommorrow: 1. French Composition 2. French Table 3. IEFP fair 4. Sabrina (poster) 5. Tomek (TTH) 6. STAR (BR pit) 7. PAPER RESEARCH AND READING, BIATCH!

 

Lets sit down and look at the periodic table now.

 

Love,

Sj

The banana pancake I had this morning is the best of its kind. I went to the rehearsal today, only attending for the Schuman piece -- now I can see why he, and every other pianist, loves Schuman to pieces. Afterwards, I asked for a leave to the OISS for the diner. I was so happy to see Tae, Wlad and Rocky there. The food is home-made. When I arrived it's almost all gone. But the pecan cake was delicious. Wlad was stressed out. Financial Theory and Intermediate Micro are killing him. He spent almost all his time in the library. I was so sad, since it has been really long since I last bumped into him, on his way to the millionth date -- "Wlad and Tomek is everybody's gay boyfriend!" Saad is dating a freshman girl from India! Jeez, can Pakistan date Indian? Isnt it the biggest taboo of all? -- "Saad, dont prey on freshman!" Rocky looks uncharacteristically quiet, and fratigue. He went back from the Hanpurri Retreat and finished the entire bottle of Johnny Walker in a country house and was too drunk to take care of a freshman girl who passed out in the morning. Anyway, hope everyone is making the best out of life.

 

I headed over to the BR fellow lounge for the Globalist meeting. People are voting for the theme for the upcoming issue. I am interested in writing for the immigration and a world without America. This reminds of the Chinese Diaspora that Mark Sheldon mentioned when I was in Hong Kong. Basically it was about how the upper-middle class and well-off people secured a foreign passport and fled abroad to avoid the unpredictable future after the hand-over. Mainly it is out of economic concern, as well as security reasons. After the "wait-and-see" period, people were once again assured that HK was not doomed. On the contrary, many economic functions of the region are kept intact and the inclusion to Beijing's influence sphere proves not to be as strong a deterrent to economic growth as many fatalist claims.

 

On the way back to home, I wished I could bring a camera with me. It is simply gorgeous. The stone pavement is glossy after the rain, like a mirror, graceful. And every step seems to touch upon a mini puddle and make a imperceptible splash. The sky against the Harkness Tower is tainted in a gradual transition of colors: the middle layer is the rosebud-color, gloriously in blossom. On the other side, the unlikely patch of gem blue overlooks the enclosed space of green lawn, gothic architecture, and happy people dangling on the swing and heading to the dining hall.

 

I feel blessed, and content, and after all, blissful.

 

love,

Sj

"we talked in circles." that is probably the theme of my life. as usual, I left a note, without saying anything. Just for amusement, and for the need to maintain this flimsy bond between us. Everything proves to be more complicated on my side. I dont have a choice. I cant get a guy with a cupcake. But at least I can bribe people into friendship.

 

By the way, the music that I am listening to is amazing. I miss so many things, but I dont remember what I miss the most. Maybe the simplicity and sincerity -- so vague, abstract, and elusive. After all, it is a beautiful day. We put up the posters for bone-marrow drive over campus. I have a matching pink top with the flyer.

 

yesterday night was amazing. margie and marianna smuggled an entire barrel of chocolate, Haagen-Daz caramel and chocolate chips dough, strawberry, apple and apple pineapple, mashmallow, cracker and dots. What a late night feat! Liz melted chocolate in the microwave to make strawberry dip. I had two scoops of icecreams and it tasted incredible. Later Margie made a mashmallow cracker sandwich and heated it in the microwave then dipped in the chocolate sauce -- isnt this the best thing ever? Later, we turned off the light and Margie read two chapters of Harry Potter. She was emotionally involved in the plot and definitely a good story-teller. It feels like someone is patting me to sleep, and it has been so long, so long, that it is so good to revisit this pent-up desire that someone reads you story by the dim bed lamp and kisses you good night.

 

There is chocolate chip banana bread for breakfast today. I took the tray out into my room. How I want to have breakfast in bed! Reading so far is not very efficient. I did some reading for the Cold War and the Trail of Political Islam. That's all. I should have accompolished more. Where are all the folks? Je sentais vide et seule et vunerable...

 

What I want to do today? I dont have a clue. It is this far far away resolve to finish something... like working out, writing to Master Smith, and UNOF ;D.

 

love,

sj

 

P.S. Will the sun ever shine again?

It is a lonely blog. But it's better this way. Attention is always the least thing I want, maybe sometimes with a little exception. :P

 

So far, so good. I watched along with YSC kids a 14 minute movie on Christianity. A pastor talks about how God has faith in you and there is a discussion following the screening about the snow shuffling. But I am more intrested in the cooking thing every Tuesday.

 

I have a ridiculous amount of reading and it was not even joking. But sincerely I love it. Probably I should devote more of my time to balancing out my unfocused academic life and my event-hopping social life. I reflect today that i havent done anything that makes me really really passionate about and care about. Sabrina was on a campaign for her country's president and went to NYC to attend his speech. Jurist as always retains her high enthusiasm for UN things. JT is too much of an overachiever. Olga is a committed section leader for her Christian freshmen.

 

Everyone should find a niche, and doing something related to your dream and prospect, not the other way round.

 

Maybe I should spend more time contemplating what is my next step. I should not be that insanely busy this semester. I have slowed down my pace, spent more time with friends, taken care of myself more often than not, trying to plan out my schedule which proves always the hardest of all.

 

Now my escapade is to write this blog, when I dont want to do work, only feeling my existence and my thought flowing across the space without a trace.

 

love,

sj

God bless your mutant tumors.

 

love,

sj

 

(*I love this girl.*/ *Thank you for the cupcake.* /)

C'est fini, mon examen! Je sens vivant et frais. I was not particularly in the mood to study for it yesterday. Olga baked a couple dozen cupcakes the day before so I *stole* a few from the paperbox. I was totally addicted to dininghall cornbread cupcakes with chocolate frosting. Olga's is not bad either -- rainbow frosting. I wrote on Rocky's wall and offered a cake... We ended up chilling in the piano room and discovered a joke in the chair. Well, Olga and Eric noticed that and stalked us on facebook. This was extremely awkward coz I saw Eric at the OIS party last Saturday and I believed he shouldnt be sober. Anyhow Olga and Eric arrived at the conclusion that we were going out, which is entirely not true. Jeez. And until 3 in the morning, Olga and I had this conversation on relationship and her scandalous connection to the Class 08. I was a little freaked out this morning and tumbled out of the bed when the alarm snoozed. It was early. But I didnt have breakfast. In fact, I was 5 minutes for my test.

 

I only have a section this afternoon. Sweet. Currently I am thinking my brain out for the next composition, how to impress Ruth! The first one that I handed in was hideous with all the red-inked markings. I will do better this time. French is harder this year, but as always, fraiche come une fleure.

 

I should have evaporated from the facebook for a while... The World Fellow Night is coming in 5 hours! I am pretty exited to grab Octi there. Oh well, I am evil.

 

"Je sens vulnerable, vide et seul dans le pays que j'aime comme ca." -- Daru, the humanist in L'Hote

"L'enfer, c'est les autres." -- Jean-Paul Sartre

 

In a word, it is an awkward, beautiful, and chilly day.

 

Love,

Sj

Lets come back to English... I dont intend to confuse anyone, especially my parents. But I need to talk to myself, sometimes.

 

I am happy right now because I feel I am learning and having fun. But at the same time, a careful examination of my semester so far reveals that I havent accompolished anything yet, not even with an attempt. My *noble* quest to become a better person seems to come to an intersection. I definitely dont want to go back to the old pattern of revolving around a few people and a few things, therefore easily falling prey of anxiety and uncertainty. But at the same time, I vaguely consent that what makes life meaningful and more worthwhile is the unbelievable potential and strength of personality that one demonstrates under pressure. I always always admire people who can balance out the conflicting spheres of personal life and come out with a ranking of priorities and options of alternatives. But people, including myself, tend to pour all our stake for trivia and insignificance. Is there like a guiding principle and a crystalized conception of happiness?

 

I am happy. But I am not sure if that is happiness. I feel elated, or just in a good mood. I cannot put my finger on what puts me in this situation. Surely, there is nothing to be exited about right now. There is still a whole lot of things to look forward to and to strive for. Nothing is yet clear. I might be trapped in the *euphoria of ignorance*. It is possible that I havent started or not prepared to take the initiative yet. I have delayed my act for a better, and smoother start. 

 

At least, something to look forward to: a french test and a history paper. That will bring me back to the track: a nerd. I should work now, and think about what is my choice and what is the rest.

 

love,

sj

好久都没有更新了。的确是一言难尽。在2005年9月15日6:05分我总算结束了这两个星期以来的痛苦的战役。为什么选课是如此野蛮的事情？小班讨论课的生杀夺予全部在所谓的抽签上面－－如此无耻的谎言，我血泪控诉。人人，包括我全部是无耻之徒，坑蒙拐骗，什么道德，等上课之后再大谈伦理。上心理课声称是我从几岁开始就打定该系的主意，上政治哭喊着没有这门课我毕不了业，上人文课轰炸教授派胸膛保证我对日本和韩国怀有浓烈真挚真诚善良的兴趣，上学院研究会趴在地板上绞尽脑汁地如何打败这个教室里其他39个不要脸孔的东西，上语言课像计划经济里面饥饿的人们凌晨排队一样提前报名。其他招数包括“秘会”教授，热情洋溢地握手，介绍自己无边无尽的价值，旁敲侧击，最后不管三七二十一地坐进课堂，挤眉弄眼，直到榨干最后一丝希望－－这就叫锲而不舍，使劲浑身解数，终于感觉被骗了－－大二是个陷阱，深渊。

 

还有歧视，大二处在权利的底层，是贫穷的无产阶级，还没有一点革命性，真是坍老马的台。大一是懵懂，还不知道阶级斗争，愚民政策倒是有一点保护主义的色彩，让祖国的苗苗好好生长是应该的，否则真是禽兽不如。可惜到了下半个学期，被捆绑在济济一堂的教室，像开老鼠会一样。我于是痛下决心。如果有来世，绝对不这么便宜资本主义。似乎觉悟不是灵激，而是彗星撞地球，一时间人人都看见了，震撼了，行动了。从2006年8月我拿到摄人而又可怕的“蓝书”之后，我就开始对厮日夜思念，希望每天烧一柱香，祈求保佑我的桃花运，可惜此人追求者众多，而且以年长者居多，据说其尤其偏好年长，可能和有房有车有关，亦和他们多灾多难，吃苦的时间比我们长有关。不管怎么样，我每天盼啊盼啊，终于盼到了“网恋”的时辰－－居然连报名排队的资格都没有！什么天理！我小心翼翼地询问她的经纪人，得知我们是末位，很有可能没戏。 不管了，豁出去了。反正我一穷二白，不怕！然后时间一拖再拖，玩弄我们的感情，甚至几次出现险情。直到刚才，几分钟前，阶级的重重障碍终于消失了，在剩余不多的位置中间我总算霸占了一席--这次追求历时整整12天。

 

每天都是钩心斗角，填写无数份措词强烈的"请愿书"；都是算计这个那个，在同时进行的5门看上去很美好的课程中，赌上一个学期的幸福；得到噩耗的时候，只能愿赌服输。

 

总算结束了。规律的作息，可以约人吃饭，可以看连续剧，可以知道今天什么样，可以知道哪些书没有白买，可以怀揣着我还是能够毕业的美好希翼。我的前同屋刚刚加入一个组织，唤作“选课期间我想跳出窗户马上死掉。”

 

现在倒带，死人一跃而起，跳回窗户，重新开始敲击键盘，心怀感激：生活真美好。